This is just getting worse.

I am the most depressed I think I have ever been.  I just want to crawl away and hide in a very dark place.  No-one would miss me.  Not really.  They would all just go on with their lives as normal.

Your decision is worth waiting for, whichever it may be, because then I'll know you've actually thought about it and not made a snap decision.  Don't get me wrong.  If you do end this (which, I admit, you probably will) I will be completely and utterly annihilated.  I will be stuck where I am.

I can see no way forward from where I am now.  This place I am in, I cannot see my life progressing from here.  I'll be stuck in a dead end job, earning fuck all, and not being able to buy the things I want, not being able to save any money for the future and not being able to do the things I want.  I can see myself always being someones house mate.  Why would it be any different?  I don't feel special, I definitely do not feel like I'm worth anything, or even good at anything.  Why would anyone take any notice of me and think "that guy needs a chance, I'll give him one"

What is the fucking point.

A Trio kind of day.

It's been a long day living with this
It's been a long time since I felt so sick


I've got some bad ideas involving you and me
I don't blame you for walking away


This bed is too big to sleep in, and I'm dying just to feel you breathe
You couldn't see across the ocean, but I was turning over 'till the vampires sleep
So dream a good one tonight
I'll listen to the bad ones when they come


It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun, and so far from interesting


I lost all train of thought as your eyes met mine
Told you I thought you were gorgeous
You gave me your phone number, I gave you mine
Before you left I said that you can bet i'll be bothering you soon
You said, "no bother, please do." I've called you twice
It's been a hellish fight to not think about you all the time. sitting around waiting for your call
I wanna wake up naked next to you, kissing the curve in your clavicle

Sweet 16

I'm trying my utmost not to think about what was happening 16 months ago to this very moment.  I've never really given it thought until now.


Which makes me feel worse.


I suppose it's more prominent for two reasons:


1) The current situation.  Is... well, frustrating to be honest.  I don't know what's going on.  I hope we are just taking it very slow.  I just want something to happen, that shows me that progress is being made.  I don't want to move back in straight away.  That would be awful.  I don't think either of us could cope with that.  


2) Babysitting kittens.  This means that it is the first time in almost a year I am sleeping in the room I went back to 16 months ago after that wonderful evening.  I didn't get back till gone 4 in the morning.  Birds were singing.  I had a lecture the next day and I didn't even care.

When things go bump in the night

There it is again.  The butterflies.  The not knowing what's going to happen next.


I've just got in from a late night of playing computer games with her.  Killing zombies no less.  I sucked hard.  That doesn't matter though.  The game is fun and any time I spend with her is treasured.  It's quality time.  Doing things we both enjoy, talking about... well, just talking about stuff really.  Nothing in particular.  I love every minute of it.


She said that she had to sleep on her own tonight and didn't want to, after getting a bit freaked out by zombie hordes and Witches and being vomited on by Boomers.  I said she didn't have to, and the offer was very kindly declined.  Definitely for the best.  No doubt about that.  Part of me wanted her to accept though, I cannot deny that.


And then the goodnight.  The cuddle, followed by the gentle kiss on the forehead.  It gets me every time.


The spark.  The uneasy, but enjoyable, somersault your stomach makes when something special happens.  Followed by the happy butterflies that, for the briefest of moments, light up my life and make me feel like the only person in her world.


I sincerely hope she felt the same.




Sweet Dreams.




I'm pretty sure I'm going to have them, and I hope she does too.

Morning thoughts.

I'm going to scrub up today.  I'm going to try and look the best I possibly can.


Am I just fooling myself into thinking that something almost happened yesterday, to make myself feel better?


I wish I was actually good at something.  "Jack of all trades, Master of none" doesn't cut it for me.


"Jack of all trades, Master of one" would be nice.  I'd like to be able to do something, and for other people to look at it and say "Wow.  I wish I could do that"

Black and White

Outside, I am the picture of calm.
Inside I am screaming out.


I wish someone would hear me.


I know we haven't made recent developments public, but this last week has highlighted even more for me that I have so few friends.  No-one to hang out with, outside of band practice and gigs, except my brother.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I just want someone to ask "fancy hanging out tonight?"  Not necessarily to go to the pub.  Just to hang out.  Maybe get a couple of beers in and play computer games, or watch hilariously bad horror movies until the early hours.


Not one person springs to mind who would ask that.  Except for the owner of this house I am currently staying in, but when I was living in Wincheap, he rarely asked.  I know that's because he works so goddamn hard.  When he gets back, sure we'll probably go to the pub, but it's not the same anymore.  I'm his housemate now.

Blergh

I feel properly down today.


I feel entirely unloved, unnecessary and unattractive.










I don't think I'll see what you saw in me.








I think I'll grow my beard back.