Great.

I'm getting fucking antsy.  My life is pretty fucking awful right now.  Single.  Lodging.  Practically living out of a suitcase.  Shit, 20 hour a week job, so I'm barely earning anything to scrape by on.  I'm going on tour in less than a month.  I should be fucking ecstatic, but I'm not.  It feels like it's going to be a fucking chore.  I'm really quite tempted just to sell the car, jack in the job and sign on.  Not a single job application has gone anywhere near an interview in 8 months.  I've had two denial responses.  AND THAT'S IT.  So why should I even bother.  I genuinely think I'd be happier, bumming about in my pants all day, scrounging money from the state.  Sure people would hate me, and think I'm scum, but that's not much different to now.  The only person who I even feel like talking to is her.  The girl I had planned my future with.  Now that's gone, I may as well just give up.  My rock has left me, it was the only thing holding me up.  Now I've slumped.  A stick in the mud.  A flat tyre.  What's the fucking point anymore.



I guess "Antsy" is putting it mildly.

The stars

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.


So.  It's officially over.  Has been for a couple of weeks now.


It's what she wanted, no doubt there.


Since then though, we have been spending a buck ton of time together, getting on fantastically.


The kind of hanging out that a couple should be doing.  Minus the holding hands and the kissing, of course.  I feel totally comfortable with being around her, and I'm sure she does around me.  We make each other laugh, and we can look after each other when we are sad or mad.


I fell asleep in her arms last night.  I felt so privileged.  It really felt like I was meant to be there.


Yesterday was such a confusing day though.  Moving my bed out of the bedroom, and her new one in.  As well as a new wardrobe for her.  It was a hard day.  Then she comes out for a drink in the evening, I walk her home after buying her a couple of drinks, and we stay up till the early hours playing guitar and singing.


A day of polar opposites.  Still struggling to get my head around that one.

Just thinking about being single makes me feel sick.  I hate it.  The thought of being intimate with some one else, makes me shudder.

I hope she knows just how much I would like to try again.  To be able to look deep into her eyes, and not feel like I'm overstepping the mark.  I hope she knows how much I believe it would work out better a second time around.

Witch

Those fingers in my hair
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft

And I've got no defense for it
The heat is too intense for it
What good would common sense for it do

'Cause it's witchcraft, wicked witchcraft
And although, I know, it's strictly taboo

When you arouse the need in me
My heart says yes indeed in me
Proceed with what your leading me to

It's such an ancient pitch
But one I wouldn't switch
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

Subhuman

Went to the show tonight.  Thought she might have been there.  Nope.


Wanted her to be there?  Yep.


In the morning, I have to go and look after the kittens again.  Until Sunday.  God knows how I am going to cope.


I still feel sick after leaving yesterday.  That's not normal, is it?  Missing someone so much you feel you may throw up at any moment.


I just want to hear from her.  Just a "hey, how's things?"


Still waiting for that one though.

On Sherlock, Movies, and Napping

Today was the first day we have spent all day in the house together.  Well, not all day, we bought £20 worth of junk food at Morrison's, before heading home to cotch on the sofa and watch the last episode of the first season of Sherlock, and "Godsend" (a somewhat boring De Niro movie).  We then had a nap, before her friend came over for an evening in.


It was a really, truly nice day.  Properly relaxed, spending time together.  I loved every minute of it.  I ended up having to literally tear myself away, as I could've quite happily sat there all night chatting and laughing with the two of them.

Shortly before I left, I told her she had beautiful eyes.  Not normally considered an "out there" thing to say, but was it a step too far?  She mumbled something about them not being anything special and walked away.

As soon as I left the house I felt physically sick.  I hate leaving her behind, to go and sleep elsewhere.  I hate knowing she is closing the door behind me.




She means the world to me.

Just one of the things I'll miss

Your beautiful, big, brown eyes.

I've got your picture on my wall.

I don't understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with them.  Maybe it's just a guy thing?  Surely, love is all you need?


What do we have to lose if we try again?  At least we would definitely know it's not meant to be.  Why throw something away if it could be fixed?  I really do think we can fix this.  I miss you so much.

I really do.

I felt awful for Saturday, but we ended up having a nice evening.  You could have just asked me to leave once I was awake, but you didn't.

If you really are stuck for making your mind up, then why not give it a shot?  If it doesn't work out, so be it.  It pains me to write that, but I need to say it.  I can't go on like this forever, not knowing, but I dread not being with you so much that I am willing to wait.

We said before that we need to sort our lives out, and right now, having you back is what I need to sort my life out.  I would be happy and confident again.  I might even see something worth looking at in the mirror when I brush my teeth in the morning, instead of a useless shell.

I am so scared I will never get to wake up to see you sleeping peacefully next to me ever again.