The stars

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.


So.  It's officially over.  Has been for a couple of weeks now.


It's what she wanted, no doubt there.


Since then though, we have been spending a buck ton of time together, getting on fantastically.


The kind of hanging out that a couple should be doing.  Minus the holding hands and the kissing, of course.  I feel totally comfortable with being around her, and I'm sure she does around me.  We make each other laugh, and we can look after each other when we are sad or mad.


I fell asleep in her arms last night.  I felt so privileged.  It really felt like I was meant to be there.


Yesterday was such a confusing day though.  Moving my bed out of the bedroom, and her new one in.  As well as a new wardrobe for her.  It was a hard day.  Then she comes out for a drink in the evening, I walk her home after buying her a couple of drinks, and we stay up till the early hours playing guitar and singing.


A day of polar opposites.  Still struggling to get my head around that one.

Just thinking about being single makes me feel sick.  I hate it.  The thought of being intimate with some one else, makes me shudder.

I hope she knows just how much I would like to try again.  To be able to look deep into her eyes, and not feel like I'm overstepping the mark.  I hope she knows how much I believe it would work out better a second time around.