well then

I was going to quit smoking again in the new year, but 5 free 50g pouches of tobacco are telling me otherwise.

Also.

How often do you check your facebook? It'd be nice to know if you're just ignoring me.

So much for healing,
Eventually,
I'm just as damaged as I'll ever be.

Longing for the Day

I've been trying to find a way that I could say it you -
Say it you, all that I've been trying to say.
I've been stuttering my way from here to anywhere -
Anywhere you can hear me stutter away.

I've been longing for the day, when you would say "Hey,
I feel a little fragile today, and I was wondering if I could drop on by?"

I've been talking to total strangers in the middle of the night,
Because I get so nervous when I dial your number
That I never quite punch it in right, in spite of me.

So I haven't been as strong as I had thought I'd be,
But I think I've been stronger than you would concede.
So let's do that exercise where you close your eyes
And fall back onto me, and you will see I'm strong after all.

I will lift you up if you'll lay me down.

So today could be the day when we both say "Hey,
I feel a little fragile today, and I was wondering if I could drop on by?"

So I won't be nervous when I dial your number in the middle of the night.
I will clear my throat, then I'll sing this song,
And I'll be out the door and round before the first of the new day's light.

cor blimey guv!

It's been a helluva long time now.

We don't even know each other.

You're nearly 21! God I want to wish you a happy birthday (and get a reply... even just "thanks" would be nice)

Turning back the clocks is a ridiculous thing to ask for. I'm sure we've both changed.

Is it wrong for me to want to show you how much of a better person I am now and who you are missing out on?

I don't know how, but you appear in my news feed on facey-b whenever you change your profile picture. I always look. God you are more beautiful than I remember.

Are you gonna live your life wonderin' standing in the back lookin' around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinkin' how you've grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.

Sorry about that

it hasn't been that long
since we drank to the sunset, until it was gone.
and down with it went our pain and fear,
as we slowly broke contact more and more, with every beer.
and we passed out in each other's arms,
both admitting we'd never felt better, never felt so warm.
but awoke in each other's eyes
without wearing a stitch of clothing, we were both deeply in disguise.
and maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
in my own special selfish way.
and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
hell knows where your heart would be today.
maybe with me.
it seems like it's been so long since we kissed through the darkness, until it was dawn.
up with it came our pain and fear that we'd already lost each other.
we both knew that the end was near.
maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
in my own special selfish way.
and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted.
hell knows where your heart would be today.
maybe with me.

Wander Alone

So now I wander alone, without no one...
There´s just this pain in my heart
There is no place that I can go...
And so it´s come to be-
Shards of broken dreams, cutting me apart

Tear Stained Letter

I'm gonna write a tear stained letter, I'm gonna tell you one more time. That you still could reconsider and come back to being mine, and if you think about what I'm saying, it'd be hard to refuse. Just be sure you think along time on the answer that you choose. It will be a most important piece of personal private news.

To continue

With what I was saying in my dream:

No, this isn't going to be just one meaningless night.

In the morning i'm going to wake up with you in my arms,

I'm going to look into your beautiful eyes and tell you I love you.

Right

I've come to terms with it now.

I fucked my own life up.

I cant remember the last time i genuinely felt happy.

Sorry. That's a lie. Christmas 2008.

I'm pretty sure i'm just a ghost of my former self.

I miss having someone to talk to.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

I miss you so damn much.

"A place of rest I've tried to find

Aching in my heart, chaos in my mind
This place is poison to my soul
Can't take much more, I'm losing control"

Wut?

So, there I am looking for a flat to live in.

Not necessarily because I am desperate to move out.

I just like to know my options if things go tits up.

Scrolling through page after page after page of flats.

I see it.

A flat in dover is up for rent.

100 quid cheaper than before.

I want it.

I don't know why.

But I want it.

If only I could actually afford it on my own.

I'd take it.

So I applied for a job.

One that might earn enough to pay it

Doubt I'll get it.

Fingers crossed aye?

Pondering

I wonder what would happen if I turned up on your door step with a massive bunch of roses

I just want

To be able to look into someones eyes

and for my feelings to be understood

without saying a single word.

To be able to have someone look into my eyes

and to understand their feelings

without saying a single word.

Thousands of thoughts

Hundreds of memories

Every single feeling

Shared

In complete and utter silence.

I see your name. It still hurts.

True dat

Of Course...

The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes.
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave,
To the dark and the endless sky, my love.
And the first time ever I kissed your mouth,
I felt the earth move through my hands.
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you,
I felt your heart so close to mine.
And I know our joy would fill the earth,
And last till the end of time, my love.

The first time ever I saw your face.

I Wonder

If I were to make you a mix tape of how I feel and somehow get it to you, would you listen to it?

If I were to send you a bunch of Roses with a letter saying how I feel, would you read it?

If I were to write you a song, and you somehow heard it, would you listen to the message?

If I did all three of the things above, would it change anything?

I hope it would.

You are perfect.

I miss you.

I miss us.

I ask Myself

Just one thing.

Why the hell did I not go back up those stairs, and get on my knees and beg for her forgiveness?

Steps

...to becoming a being green monster

1) Fall madly in love

2)Lose her

That's about it

Work

I seem to think about some pretty weird stuff while I'm at work.

The usual, you know, what i would spend a million pounds on while you stack endless cans of baked beans, and for some reason all you can think of is beans. I'd end up with a million cans of beans. Fuck. What would I do with a million cans of beans etc. etc. etc.

But today, as I am tidying up the shelves in a freezer. I realise that i could have saved our relationship by simply doing everything I miss about our relationship. Everything I have been doing on my own and feeling sad about. Like going for walks. Or eating pizza and ice cream and falling asleep to a DVD afterwards because I'm so full. And baking cookies.

Of course there is stuff that I want to do that I can't do on my own. Like leave notes just to let you know I love you even more than the day before.

Work also gives me a twinge of guilt whenever i'm on the checkouts. Almost every guy who was on there own today was buying a bunch of flowers. I would like to buy you flowers. I had the chance but I blew it.

God I do hate my job sometimes.

There is so much

I want you to know. I just don't know how to form it into words.

I can't even let the darkness of the night know how I feel properly.

How can I expect to let you know?

I wanna make you smile, whenever you're sad,

Carry you round when your arthritis is bad.

Oh, all I want to do, is grow old with you.

ya know what

I just realised.

I always liked the idea of a childhood sweetheart.

You know, fall in love young, grow up together get married. Spend the rest of your lives together.

I'm never going to get that. In eight months, I'm going to officially become a man.

This makes me sad

Remember

Remember when we danced together

And I promised you the world

Well I'll have to take that back

Because my whole life has been capsized ~ No Use For A Name - Angela

:(

365 Days

I think.

I dont know for sure because if I had remembered the date, it would have made me more depressed counting how long it has been.

I just know its been roughly that long.

"We're adults here so shed no tears I'm sure we can be friends

I'll nod and smile and watch you in the arms of other men"

Jeez

It's bad timing and me
We find a lot of things out this way
And there's you
A little black cloud in a dress
The temptation
To take the precious things we have apart
To see how they work
Must be resisted for they never fit together again
If this is rain let it fall on me and drown me
If these are tears let them fall

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

It took a short walk and a talk
To change the rules of engagement
While you searched frantically for reverse and them claiming
That virtue never tested is no virtue at all
And so I lost my ignorance
And now the bells across the river chime out your name
I look across to them again

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

All your friends said come down
It will never fly
And on that imperfect day
We threw it all away
Crisis after crisis, with such intensity
This would never happen if we lived by the sea

Most important decisions in life
Are made between two people in bed
I found that out at my expense
And when I see you
You just turn around and walk away like we never met
Oh we used to be so brave
I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill
I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel

~Billy Bragg

Fairytale

Why the hell am I so hung up on you? You kicked me to the kerb like I was a piece of trash.

Almost EVERYONE I have spoken to about this have said that they wouldn't have left their partner after they had done something like I did...

You meant the world to me. I thought I meant the world to you.

I wonder if you ever think about me. Of course you don't. Why would you? Who ever thinks about trash?

I wish I could get you back. No, I wish I could go back and fix it, so that we could live happilyeveraftertheend.

You didn't leave a bar of soap when you left me.
You didn't even leave a towel so I could dry my face.
You didn't even leave a plate for me to eat on.
But you left all my empty beercans all over the place.

You didn't leave my precious black and white TV set.
You took the Jimi Hendrix poster that was on my door.
You left with my very best friend - our dog Smokey.
But I found all the unpaid bills on the kitchen floor.

And where in the hell did you go with my toothbrush?
And where in the hell did you happen to spend last night?
You didn't leave a bar of soap when you left me.
And you didn't even tell me they was turning out the lights.

You didn't leave my little five dollar alarm clock.
You didn't even leave a note; I guess it's all been said.
You didn't even leave the cushions for the sofa.
And now that I'm used to the couch, you left the bed.

And where in the hell did you go with my toothbrush?
And where in the hell have you been for the last three days?
You didn't leave a bar of soap when you left me.
And you didn't stick around to see the teardrops on my face.

~Reverend Horton Heat

Why?

Why does it feel like i'm waiting for you to get in touch?

i miss you

please

come back

It's kinda weird

This is strange, it is like 2 weeks off of being a year now. I think.

I dont think i've missed you THIS much in quite a long time. Sure I have always missed you.

But I miss you a whole lot more tonight. Believe me, if I could change what I did, I would. Of course I would. If I could go back a year from now, I think we could fix this. I have changed. I am such a better person than I was back then. If only you could see.

I believe you, you didn't leave me for him.

I loved you.

To be honest, I still do.

I love you.

Another sing song

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Sleeeepy

It feels like you were stolen from me.

We had such a good time.

I can't have had my head in the clouds.

I was yours and you were mine.

I saw us lasting forever.

Then along he came.

I was gone in less than a month.

Will I ever feel the same?

It's pretty ironic.

A year is nearly through.

And this is the first poem

I've ever written to you.

A little sing song

Ok lets go
I see the flowers on vine
And you come into my mind
I see the colors blue and red
And you pop into my head
I see the swans out on the lake
Anything is all it takes
Seems that everything that i do
Is what is reminding me of you

What's reminding me of you
Is everything i do
There's a little place you dwell
In my memory so well
And it just seems by now
I could have found somebody new
But i can't get a thought in edgewise
That's reminding me of you

As i strum on my guitar
I stop to wonder where you are
I can see you pretty face
Anytime or any place
In my mind i see so well
Your perfume i smell
And your lips so sweet as dew
Is what's reminding me of you

What's reminding me of you
Is everything i do
There's a little place you dwell
In my memory so well
And it just seems by now
I could have found somebody new
But i can't get a thought in edgewise
That's reminding me of you

I see a flash of light or dark
Then the memorys really start
Our kitchen, couch, and bed
Start blazing through my head
I want you back so bad
I would give all i had
Another thought and heres my cue
To think another thought of you

What's reminding me of you
Is damn near everything i do
There's a little place you dwell
In my memory so well
And it just seems by now
I could have found somebody new
But i can't get a thought in edgewise
That's reminding me of you
What's reminding me of you
What's reminding me of you
What's reminding me of you

~Reverend Horton Heat

What to do.

Ok

So I'm staying at my mums the past couple of nights. She gives me a necklace, I'm 99% sure it was yours. Who else could it have belonged to? I'm pretty sure I remember you wearing it too.

We haven't spoken in about 6 months now. I send you a happy birthday/merry christmas text, but don't get a reply. The last time we did speak, you ended up letting your friends borrow your phone to pretend they are you, so they can try and beat me up. I kinda get the message you don't want to talk to me at all.

What do I do about this necklace? Do I offer it back to you? Do I hold on to it for now? Do I keep it indefinitely? Do I sell it? Do I chuck it out?

I know which one I would rather do, but I might just want to do that so I can talk to you. Show you how much of a better person I am. Is that selfish? To make an excuse to showoff?

This is when I realise I have spent the past 5 minutes blogging, when I should be doing my coursework. Mind you i'm stuck on that.... my mind keeps wandering to something. Maybe that's why I can write so much here.

Lol

Note to self

Ok,

Third Post for today

Anyways

Note to self

DO NOT connect up your old computer from a year and a half ago and:

(a) not expect your background to be who you think about everyday

(b) not expect to find lots of unforgotten pictures in your "My Received Files" folder.

Time for a beer me thinks

Easy Peasy

Second post for today, before I do some coursework

Quitting smoking is EASY

Major pwned that shizzle

I can smell!

I can taste!

I can breathe!

I can excersize!

Stumble

I suddenly realised earlier,

I spent ages getting getting that last post perfect,

But you'll probably never see it.

Unless you randomly stumble across it.

I'm blogging to no one, because if i give this URL to anyone,

They'll just get pissed off that i'm not 'over you' yet.

Let's face it.

I'm not.

How could I be?

I loved you so much

I probably still do if you could give me a chance

I know I annihilated you,

But the feeling is mutual.

Some thoughts I had while abandoning my car in the snow

I know its been nearly a year now.
But I just keep thinking.
Did you just replace me with him, because I wasn't there and you were lonely?
If we had tried again, would we be happier now than ever before?

All I ever wanted was a second chance, now when I see you I don't know what to do.
You probably noticed the other day, I could've been run-over, because I didn't know what to do when I saw you, so I just walked away in a random direction.

I felt like such a twat after that. Five minutes before hand, I had thought to myself "I'm gonna see her. I know it. I can handle it now".

Obviously I can't.

Even know, I cant believe what I did.
I still don't know why I did it.
The thought of it now just makes me want to go outside and bury myself up to the neck in snow.

Woo it's snowing. Remember when i wrote "I heart Kylee" in the snow outside the bedroom window? I do. I even did it so you could read it from the window

Obviously I'm a cunt.

Yep, that's me. Same old cunty Lucas.

I could make you feel on top of the world.

Same old cunty Lucas