Imagine.

I still picture her walking down the aisle toward me.

I really don't think I was far from proposing.  Maybe a few months, providing I had sorted myself out and got a proper job.


I truly thought she was in it for the long haul as well.

Coping.

So.  To top it all off, I lost my job today.  My role is being given to someone else to make sure they are earning their full time salary.  I feel like I've been taken for a ride and I haven't a leg to stand on, thanks to the wonders of the Council's secret weapon.  The zero hour contract.  Luckily, they were pleasant enough to give me till the start of September.  They could have easily just said, "Don't bother coming in on Monday."

My life seems to be forever spinning into that darkness you see when you peer down a plughole.  I'm coping.  Like someone copes with a migraine.  I'll moan about it to anyone who will listen, while the rest of the time I just want to scream and rip away at myself.



Yet again, I just want a cuddle.

Jealous.

So I've taken a couple of days to try and get my head around this.  I wasn't even going to write about it,  but I thought I may as well.  It might help me see things a bit clearer.


I made her jealous.  Completely unintentionally.  I'm not that kind of guy.

I simply explained how surprised I was that a friend I haven't seen for two years, offered to setup an event page for my birthday.  I gave full details about the conversation, not hiding anything or twisting what was said.  I thought the comment about topping and tailing as long as she doesn't have stinky feet was quite funny to be honest.

She got jealous.  That I might be sharing a bed with a different girl.

She broke up with me, and now she is getting jealous.  

She knows she means the world to me, and I'd give anything to have her back.

How am I meant to feel if she feels put out about me being generous, and offering someone somewhere to sleep?

I suppose it could be seen that I'm not that fussed, and that I'm moving on?  That is totally not the case.

She asked if she could stay over.  How am I meant to turn her down?


I pray to God I haven't pushed my rock even further away.

Ugly.

"Hell, I'll shave my legs and wear a bra, even cut my penis off for you"

I would go to the end of the earth and back if, somehow, it would change her mind.


So, I pretty much hate being single.

After the weekend I just had, I feel like I should be snuggling up in bed with someone, rather than sitting on my own, writing a blog.

I yearn for that companionship again.  That presence.

I want to be missed, as sorely as I miss her.

I still feel incredibly unattractive.  Haircut, trying to look my best, trying to be as happy and fun to be around as possible.  I look in the mirror when I'm ready to go out, and I don't even recognise myself.  Of course, I know it is me, but in the past, I was able to see myself, and think "Lookin' good", or some other vain thought.  I'd then be complemented about how I looked.  That's not the case anymore.  There is now not one single bit of recognition for any efforts I make.  It just makes me wonder what the point in any of it might be.

I'm faced with the insurmountable task of getting over the girl I had planned on being with for the rest of my days.  If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I want to get over her.  It would be such a loss, and almost like I am giving up on the best opportunity I have ever had to be genuinely happy.

It feels like I am not destined to be happy.  It may have looked like I was moping around, somehow bored with what was going on, which has led me to end up in the situation I am in now.  I wasn't bored.  I wasn't moping around.  I just got too comfortable, and didn't show how much I truly appreciated her.  I can say this with certainty, because of how down I constantly am at the moment.

Possession.

She is my world.  My heart is hers.

Great.

I'm getting fucking antsy.  My life is pretty fucking awful right now.  Single.  Lodging.  Practically living out of a suitcase.  Shit, 20 hour a week job, so I'm barely earning anything to scrape by on.  I'm going on tour in less than a month.  I should be fucking ecstatic, but I'm not.  It feels like it's going to be a fucking chore.  I'm really quite tempted just to sell the car, jack in the job and sign on.  Not a single job application has gone anywhere near an interview in 8 months.  I've had two denial responses.  AND THAT'S IT.  So why should I even bother.  I genuinely think I'd be happier, bumming about in my pants all day, scrounging money from the state.  Sure people would hate me, and think I'm scum, but that's not much different to now.  The only person who I even feel like talking to is her.  The girl I had planned my future with.  Now that's gone, I may as well just give up.  My rock has left me, it was the only thing holding me up.  Now I've slumped.  A stick in the mud.  A flat tyre.  What's the fucking point anymore.



I guess "Antsy" is putting it mildly.

The stars

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.


So.  It's officially over.  Has been for a couple of weeks now.


It's what she wanted, no doubt there.


Since then though, we have been spending a buck ton of time together, getting on fantastically.


The kind of hanging out that a couple should be doing.  Minus the holding hands and the kissing, of course.  I feel totally comfortable with being around her, and I'm sure she does around me.  We make each other laugh, and we can look after each other when we are sad or mad.


I fell asleep in her arms last night.  I felt so privileged.  It really felt like I was meant to be there.


Yesterday was such a confusing day though.  Moving my bed out of the bedroom, and her new one in.  As well as a new wardrobe for her.  It was a hard day.  Then she comes out for a drink in the evening, I walk her home after buying her a couple of drinks, and we stay up till the early hours playing guitar and singing.


A day of polar opposites.  Still struggling to get my head around that one.

Just thinking about being single makes me feel sick.  I hate it.  The thought of being intimate with some one else, makes me shudder.

I hope she knows just how much I would like to try again.  To be able to look deep into her eyes, and not feel like I'm overstepping the mark.  I hope she knows how much I believe it would work out better a second time around.