Blank.

I didn't mean it to sound so brutal.

That moment when you look up just as someone looks away.

At least we left tonight on a cuddle rather than shouting and a slammed door.

I wish I could think of more to write, or find some succinct way to describe what I'm feeling.

I said some things I regret.

I said some things I didn't want to say which needed to be said.

I said so little that may have been helpful.

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

Rut.

Is this what it feels like to be on the verge of giving up?

Not much really excites me any more.

Gigs, work, going to the shops.  It all feels like far too much effort to be worth it.

I should have been out to have a closer look at what is wrong with the car this week, but I haven't.  It just doesn't feel very urgent.

Applying for a new job has become more of a hobby than any real attempt at getting anywhere each time.  Every time I send off an application, it seems like a punt in the dark, which of course will nearly always miss, no matter what the target.

I should be ambitious, I know that, but that seems like so much exertion.  Let's face it, it'd probably be a waste of time as well.

I'm in a rut.  I have been for a few months now.  Every passing day has made the rut deeper and deeper, to the point where I feel I'm scrabbling at a sheer, insurmountable wall.

I am very scared.  Scared I won't be able to get out of this canyon.  Scared of what it may take to get out.


I want to go home.

Question.

Forever on my mind,
But rarely by my side.
My fire still burns.
My heart, it yearns.
Is it time I should bide,
Or confidence I must find?

Us.

Neither of us can bear the thought of the other being with someone else.

We are both incredibly lonely

We both love each other.

Yet we both sleep in separate houses.

I know how much it must've hurt to see it.  I wish I could prove to her that it wasn't intentional.  That she is still the one for me.

Progression.

Where does happiness and confidence get me?  Laying about on my bed, again, with no one talking to me. (again)

I feel sick to my stomach.

Why do I feel like an enemy?

Birthday.

"just leave me alone."

What a great way to finish my birthday weekend.

I don't see what I have done wrong.  That doesn't stop me feeling guilty, ashamed and like I've betrayed her.

Hank.

Really hits home.

Indeed it does.

There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it: I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another... Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there is this feeling in my gut; she might be the one. She is completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you, Karen... That's the good news. The bad is that I don't know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now, I have this feeling we will get lost out there. It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything... I don't know what's going on with us and I can't tell why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something, right? Call me.

Unfaithfully yours, 

Sleep.

I have a warm embrace to welcome into bed,
I have a loving kiss to wake from slumber,
I have a caring ear to listen,
I have a welcoming shoulder to cry on,
I have a soothing voice to comfort.

There is a space in my bed,
There is no one to kiss,
There is the wind to listen to,
There is a pillow to mop up tears,
There are only thoughts that console.

I have a void in my heart only one can fill.

There is only regret.

Attempt.

Where did I go wrong.
As I sit and consider,
These four walls close in.

Reality.

So, tour is now over, and I've been plunged back into my boring, depressing life.  I've literally got a shoestring budget for the forthcoming months, and I'm back to spending my evenings (and days by the look of it) laying in a bedroom I don't want to be in, with no one who wants to talk to me except her, my housemate and my brother.

I know I've said before I was dreading going on tour.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was a fantastic experience, new places, new faces and it showed me the music scene round here is fucking awful.

Now I'm back.  I've got to get straight back into picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put it back together again, like one of those jigsaw puzzles that has no straight edges and is just a picture of baked beans.  

I think the car has broken down again.  I've got about £3 a day to get by on until the end of the month.  I'm going to be single on my birthday.

The foetal position at the bottom of the wardrobe sounds quite appealing right now.