Move.

I wish I could run away with you. Start a new life else where.

Respect.

Earning some self-respect.

It seems like such a simple task.  Stand up for yourself.  Be honest with yourself.

Watch this space.

Hair.

I honestly think I'm coming to the end of my senses.

He is my best friend, so I'm going to hate writing this.

I cannot stand it here.  I feel like I should be bald, from the frustration and the number of times I tug at my hair trying to calm down.  It feels like ripping clumps of this untidy, unfashionable mop from my scalp might just, somehow, make things better.

Epiphany.

"Come forth bear witness, see the profit from your loss.  Beg for forgiveness, only after you tally the cost.  We arrive at this place of no return my sisters, only to discover that our values ran us aground on the shoal in the sea of what we could be."

The tight knot of fear in your stomach.  Or is it excitement?
The moment when you feel like your future hangs on one decision.
The adrenaline rush that comes from looking into the unknown.
The prospect of changing yourself for good.

Some may call it an epiphany.
Some may call it change.
Some may call it common sense.
Some may call it self help.

Work.

So it's been about a week since I last posted.  About time for a catch up.

I finally got a new job!  Apparently if you just take a punt in the dark, you'll hit sooner than you think!

I start in 31 hours from now.  I still can't quite believe it to be honest, and whilst I'm on the topic of being honest, I'm quite worried I'm going to be out of my depth with it.  We'll see, I mean, there was at least one other guy at the interview, I didn't see anyone else.  If it was me against one person, I must have done something right... Right?  It's a full-time-Monday-to-Friday-nine-to-five deal, which, when I was younger, I hated the idea of a job like that, but right now, it's the best I can ask for, short of getting paid to scratch my arse.

So I'm now on the road to sorting my life out.... financially anyway.

There is still this other issue I seem to have.  We shall see if there is any notable progress over the next couple of days.  I mean, she did say she wanted to see me after all.

Hunter.

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine.

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when.

Jumper.

It is so fucking cold.

Sunday.

Lounging around not doing much, wrapped up in a duvet, watching almost an entire series of TV shows, eating comfort food and reaching the farthest, deepest corners of YouTube.

As much as I love days like today, I can't help but think I could've been out doing something a lot more fun.  Driving out to somewhere new, wrapping up warm and going for an explore.  Taking photos and experimenting to see what quirky effects I can find for myself.  I could've even baked a fucking cake.  Or some biscuits.  I like biscuits.

Sure I could've done those things, but I don't have anyone to do them with.  So instead I did not a lot.  Fantastic.  In my eternal quest to find things to distract myself from the knowledge that I'm not doing much, I decided to try and clear some space on my laptop for some other.... stuff.  Here we get to the whole reason for this post.  I found this little beauty:

I found this picture buried not too far in the depths of my computer but buried all the same.  I look like a complete bell end.  I mean what the hell is going on with my hair?

Anyway, back to the crux of the matter.  This.  This right here is what I miss.  That day was fantastic.  It was only walking to the end of the pier and back with a quick nose round some shops, via the ice cream parlour, but it was fun.  I couldn't have been happier.

It was after seeing this photo again and thinking about how happy we look, that I realised, and scared myself, that I don't know how long it has been since I have seen you smile like this.  For that I am sorry.  You should have a smile on your face like this at least once every day.  I wish I could be the one to put it there, like I used to.

I remember that back when this was taken, I spent every single day on cloud nine.  Everything was perfect, as long as I was with you.  The world stopped when I was around you, I didn't want to miss a single moment, and everything else would have to wait.  You helped me through the end of university, which I couldn't have been more thankful for.  You taught me how to use your camera.  Most importantly, although you probably didn't realise, you showed me how to smile, and be confident in myself.

We could be in the car right now, either getting home from a day out, or just heading out to find a nice night time view somewhere, you wrapped up in a scarf, mittens, and one of your hats with the pom-poms, and if you got chilly, I'd offer you my jacket and give you a nice big cuddle.

I sometimes think that I don't know how to be a proper boyfriend.  I told myself that this time it would be different.  This time I'd make sure you felt every bit as loved as I could.  THIS time I wouldn't be scared about being soppy, and I'd go through with something that I'd thought up.  Not because I wanted to prove myself wrong.  

I wanted to make sure I did it right because you are worth it.

Torn.

I hate this.  Not talking to each other.  

I've wanted to text her, but whenever I've gone to write a new message, I just don't know what to say.  I wish there was something.

She's right there online, right now, and I just don't know what to say.

I feel guilty for what I did.  I feel stupid for what I said.  I feel shy just to start talking to her.

I miss her so much.  Just snuggling on the sofa watching a movie.  Wandering around the supermarket doing her food shopping.

Somehow I feel like I've come full circle after the last few months...

Blank.

I didn't mean it to sound so brutal.

That moment when you look up just as someone looks away.

At least we left tonight on a cuddle rather than shouting and a slammed door.

I wish I could think of more to write, or find some succinct way to describe what I'm feeling.

I said some things I regret.

I said some things I didn't want to say which needed to be said.

I said so little that may have been helpful.

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

Rut.

Is this what it feels like to be on the verge of giving up?

Not much really excites me any more.

Gigs, work, going to the shops.  It all feels like far too much effort to be worth it.

I should have been out to have a closer look at what is wrong with the car this week, but I haven't.  It just doesn't feel very urgent.

Applying for a new job has become more of a hobby than any real attempt at getting anywhere each time.  Every time I send off an application, it seems like a punt in the dark, which of course will nearly always miss, no matter what the target.

I should be ambitious, I know that, but that seems like so much exertion.  Let's face it, it'd probably be a waste of time as well.

I'm in a rut.  I have been for a few months now.  Every passing day has made the rut deeper and deeper, to the point where I feel I'm scrabbling at a sheer, insurmountable wall.

I am very scared.  Scared I won't be able to get out of this canyon.  Scared of what it may take to get out.


I want to go home.

Question.

Forever on my mind,
But rarely by my side.
My fire still burns.
My heart, it yearns.
Is it time I should bide,
Or confidence I must find?

Us.

Neither of us can bear the thought of the other being with someone else.

We are both incredibly lonely

We both love each other.

Yet we both sleep in separate houses.

I know how much it must've hurt to see it.  I wish I could prove to her that it wasn't intentional.  That she is still the one for me.

Progression.

Where does happiness and confidence get me?  Laying about on my bed, again, with no one talking to me. (again)

I feel sick to my stomach.

Why do I feel like an enemy?

Birthday.

"just leave me alone."

What a great way to finish my birthday weekend.

I don't see what I have done wrong.  That doesn't stop me feeling guilty, ashamed and like I've betrayed her.

Hank.

Really hits home.

Indeed it does.

There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it: I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another... Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there is this feeling in my gut; she might be the one. She is completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you, Karen... That's the good news. The bad is that I don't know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now, I have this feeling we will get lost out there. It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything... I don't know what's going on with us and I can't tell why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something, right? Call me.

Unfaithfully yours, 

Sleep.

I have a warm embrace to welcome into bed,
I have a loving kiss to wake from slumber,
I have a caring ear to listen,
I have a welcoming shoulder to cry on,
I have a soothing voice to comfort.

There is a space in my bed,
There is no one to kiss,
There is the wind to listen to,
There is a pillow to mop up tears,
There are only thoughts that console.

I have a void in my heart only one can fill.

There is only regret.

Attempt.

Where did I go wrong.
As I sit and consider,
These four walls close in.

Reality.

So, tour is now over, and I've been plunged back into my boring, depressing life.  I've literally got a shoestring budget for the forthcoming months, and I'm back to spending my evenings (and days by the look of it) laying in a bedroom I don't want to be in, with no one who wants to talk to me except her, my housemate and my brother.

I know I've said before I was dreading going on tour.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was a fantastic experience, new places, new faces and it showed me the music scene round here is fucking awful.

Now I'm back.  I've got to get straight back into picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put it back together again, like one of those jigsaw puzzles that has no straight edges and is just a picture of baked beans.  

I think the car has broken down again.  I've got about £3 a day to get by on until the end of the month.  I'm going to be single on my birthday.

The foetal position at the bottom of the wardrobe sounds quite appealing right now.

Imagine.

I still picture her walking down the aisle toward me.

I really don't think I was far from proposing.  Maybe a few months, providing I had sorted myself out and got a proper job.


I truly thought she was in it for the long haul as well.

Coping.

So.  To top it all off, I lost my job today.  My role is being given to someone else to make sure they are earning their full time salary.  I feel like I've been taken for a ride and I haven't a leg to stand on, thanks to the wonders of the Council's secret weapon.  The zero hour contract.  Luckily, they were pleasant enough to give me till the start of September.  They could have easily just said, "Don't bother coming in on Monday."

My life seems to be forever spinning into that darkness you see when you peer down a plughole.  I'm coping.  Like someone copes with a migraine.  I'll moan about it to anyone who will listen, while the rest of the time I just want to scream and rip away at myself.



Yet again, I just want a cuddle.

Jealous.

So I've taken a couple of days to try and get my head around this.  I wasn't even going to write about it,  but I thought I may as well.  It might help me see things a bit clearer.


I made her jealous.  Completely unintentionally.  I'm not that kind of guy.

I simply explained how surprised I was that a friend I haven't seen for two years, offered to setup an event page for my birthday.  I gave full details about the conversation, not hiding anything or twisting what was said.  I thought the comment about topping and tailing as long as she doesn't have stinky feet was quite funny to be honest.

She got jealous.  That I might be sharing a bed with a different girl.

She broke up with me, and now she is getting jealous.  

She knows she means the world to me, and I'd give anything to have her back.

How am I meant to feel if she feels put out about me being generous, and offering someone somewhere to sleep?

I suppose it could be seen that I'm not that fussed, and that I'm moving on?  That is totally not the case.

She asked if she could stay over.  How am I meant to turn her down?


I pray to God I haven't pushed my rock even further away.

Ugly.

"Hell, I'll shave my legs and wear a bra, even cut my penis off for you"

I would go to the end of the earth and back if, somehow, it would change her mind.


So, I pretty much hate being single.

After the weekend I just had, I feel like I should be snuggling up in bed with someone, rather than sitting on my own, writing a blog.

I yearn for that companionship again.  That presence.

I want to be missed, as sorely as I miss her.

I still feel incredibly unattractive.  Haircut, trying to look my best, trying to be as happy and fun to be around as possible.  I look in the mirror when I'm ready to go out, and I don't even recognise myself.  Of course, I know it is me, but in the past, I was able to see myself, and think "Lookin' good", or some other vain thought.  I'd then be complemented about how I looked.  That's not the case anymore.  There is now not one single bit of recognition for any efforts I make.  It just makes me wonder what the point in any of it might be.

I'm faced with the insurmountable task of getting over the girl I had planned on being with for the rest of my days.  If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I want to get over her.  It would be such a loss, and almost like I am giving up on the best opportunity I have ever had to be genuinely happy.

It feels like I am not destined to be happy.  It may have looked like I was moping around, somehow bored with what was going on, which has led me to end up in the situation I am in now.  I wasn't bored.  I wasn't moping around.  I just got too comfortable, and didn't show how much I truly appreciated her.  I can say this with certainty, because of how down I constantly am at the moment.

Possession.

She is my world.  My heart is hers.

Great.

I'm getting fucking antsy.  My life is pretty fucking awful right now.  Single.  Lodging.  Practically living out of a suitcase.  Shit, 20 hour a week job, so I'm barely earning anything to scrape by on.  I'm going on tour in less than a month.  I should be fucking ecstatic, but I'm not.  It feels like it's going to be a fucking chore.  I'm really quite tempted just to sell the car, jack in the job and sign on.  Not a single job application has gone anywhere near an interview in 8 months.  I've had two denial responses.  AND THAT'S IT.  So why should I even bother.  I genuinely think I'd be happier, bumming about in my pants all day, scrounging money from the state.  Sure people would hate me, and think I'm scum, but that's not much different to now.  The only person who I even feel like talking to is her.  The girl I had planned my future with.  Now that's gone, I may as well just give up.  My rock has left me, it was the only thing holding me up.  Now I've slumped.  A stick in the mud.  A flat tyre.  What's the fucking point anymore.



I guess "Antsy" is putting it mildly.

The stars

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.


So.  It's officially over.  Has been for a couple of weeks now.


It's what she wanted, no doubt there.


Since then though, we have been spending a buck ton of time together, getting on fantastically.


The kind of hanging out that a couple should be doing.  Minus the holding hands and the kissing, of course.  I feel totally comfortable with being around her, and I'm sure she does around me.  We make each other laugh, and we can look after each other when we are sad or mad.


I fell asleep in her arms last night.  I felt so privileged.  It really felt like I was meant to be there.


Yesterday was such a confusing day though.  Moving my bed out of the bedroom, and her new one in.  As well as a new wardrobe for her.  It was a hard day.  Then she comes out for a drink in the evening, I walk her home after buying her a couple of drinks, and we stay up till the early hours playing guitar and singing.


A day of polar opposites.  Still struggling to get my head around that one.

Just thinking about being single makes me feel sick.  I hate it.  The thought of being intimate with some one else, makes me shudder.

I hope she knows just how much I would like to try again.  To be able to look deep into her eyes, and not feel like I'm overstepping the mark.  I hope she knows how much I believe it would work out better a second time around.

Witch

Those fingers in my hair
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft

And I've got no defense for it
The heat is too intense for it
What good would common sense for it do

'Cause it's witchcraft, wicked witchcraft
And although, I know, it's strictly taboo

When you arouse the need in me
My heart says yes indeed in me
Proceed with what your leading me to

It's such an ancient pitch
But one I wouldn't switch
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

Subhuman

Went to the show tonight.  Thought she might have been there.  Nope.


Wanted her to be there?  Yep.


In the morning, I have to go and look after the kittens again.  Until Sunday.  God knows how I am going to cope.


I still feel sick after leaving yesterday.  That's not normal, is it?  Missing someone so much you feel you may throw up at any moment.


I just want to hear from her.  Just a "hey, how's things?"


Still waiting for that one though.

On Sherlock, Movies, and Napping

Today was the first day we have spent all day in the house together.  Well, not all day, we bought £20 worth of junk food at Morrison's, before heading home to cotch on the sofa and watch the last episode of the first season of Sherlock, and "Godsend" (a somewhat boring De Niro movie).  We then had a nap, before her friend came over for an evening in.


It was a really, truly nice day.  Properly relaxed, spending time together.  I loved every minute of it.  I ended up having to literally tear myself away, as I could've quite happily sat there all night chatting and laughing with the two of them.

Shortly before I left, I told her she had beautiful eyes.  Not normally considered an "out there" thing to say, but was it a step too far?  She mumbled something about them not being anything special and walked away.

As soon as I left the house I felt physically sick.  I hate leaving her behind, to go and sleep elsewhere.  I hate knowing she is closing the door behind me.




She means the world to me.

Just one of the things I'll miss

Your beautiful, big, brown eyes.

I've got your picture on my wall.

I don't understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with them.  Maybe it's just a guy thing?  Surely, love is all you need?


What do we have to lose if we try again?  At least we would definitely know it's not meant to be.  Why throw something away if it could be fixed?  I really do think we can fix this.  I miss you so much.

I really do.

I felt awful for Saturday, but we ended up having a nice evening.  You could have just asked me to leave once I was awake, but you didn't.

If you really are stuck for making your mind up, then why not give it a shot?  If it doesn't work out, so be it.  It pains me to write that, but I need to say it.  I can't go on like this forever, not knowing, but I dread not being with you so much that I am willing to wait.

We said before that we need to sort our lives out, and right now, having you back is what I need to sort my life out.  I would be happy and confident again.  I might even see something worth looking at in the mirror when I brush my teeth in the morning, instead of a useless shell.

I am so scared I will never get to wake up to see you sleeping peacefully next to me ever again.

This is just getting worse.

I am the most depressed I think I have ever been.  I just want to crawl away and hide in a very dark place.  No-one would miss me.  Not really.  They would all just go on with their lives as normal.

Your decision is worth waiting for, whichever it may be, because then I'll know you've actually thought about it and not made a snap decision.  Don't get me wrong.  If you do end this (which, I admit, you probably will) I will be completely and utterly annihilated.  I will be stuck where I am.

I can see no way forward from where I am now.  This place I am in, I cannot see my life progressing from here.  I'll be stuck in a dead end job, earning fuck all, and not being able to buy the things I want, not being able to save any money for the future and not being able to do the things I want.  I can see myself always being someones house mate.  Why would it be any different?  I don't feel special, I definitely do not feel like I'm worth anything, or even good at anything.  Why would anyone take any notice of me and think "that guy needs a chance, I'll give him one"

What is the fucking point.

A Trio kind of day.

It's been a long day living with this
It's been a long time since I felt so sick


I've got some bad ideas involving you and me
I don't blame you for walking away


This bed is too big to sleep in, and I'm dying just to feel you breathe
You couldn't see across the ocean, but I was turning over 'till the vampires sleep
So dream a good one tonight
I'll listen to the bad ones when they come


It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun, and so far from interesting


I lost all train of thought as your eyes met mine
Told you I thought you were gorgeous
You gave me your phone number, I gave you mine
Before you left I said that you can bet i'll be bothering you soon
You said, "no bother, please do." I've called you twice
It's been a hellish fight to not think about you all the time. sitting around waiting for your call
I wanna wake up naked next to you, kissing the curve in your clavicle

Sweet 16

I'm trying my utmost not to think about what was happening 16 months ago to this very moment.  I've never really given it thought until now.


Which makes me feel worse.


I suppose it's more prominent for two reasons:


1) The current situation.  Is... well, frustrating to be honest.  I don't know what's going on.  I hope we are just taking it very slow.  I just want something to happen, that shows me that progress is being made.  I don't want to move back in straight away.  That would be awful.  I don't think either of us could cope with that.  


2) Babysitting kittens.  This means that it is the first time in almost a year I am sleeping in the room I went back to 16 months ago after that wonderful evening.  I didn't get back till gone 4 in the morning.  Birds were singing.  I had a lecture the next day and I didn't even care.

When things go bump in the night

There it is again.  The butterflies.  The not knowing what's going to happen next.


I've just got in from a late night of playing computer games with her.  Killing zombies no less.  I sucked hard.  That doesn't matter though.  The game is fun and any time I spend with her is treasured.  It's quality time.  Doing things we both enjoy, talking about... well, just talking about stuff really.  Nothing in particular.  I love every minute of it.


She said that she had to sleep on her own tonight and didn't want to, after getting a bit freaked out by zombie hordes and Witches and being vomited on by Boomers.  I said she didn't have to, and the offer was very kindly declined.  Definitely for the best.  No doubt about that.  Part of me wanted her to accept though, I cannot deny that.


And then the goodnight.  The cuddle, followed by the gentle kiss on the forehead.  It gets me every time.


The spark.  The uneasy, but enjoyable, somersault your stomach makes when something special happens.  Followed by the happy butterflies that, for the briefest of moments, light up my life and make me feel like the only person in her world.


I sincerely hope she felt the same.




Sweet Dreams.




I'm pretty sure I'm going to have them, and I hope she does too.

Morning thoughts.

I'm going to scrub up today.  I'm going to try and look the best I possibly can.


Am I just fooling myself into thinking that something almost happened yesterday, to make myself feel better?


I wish I was actually good at something.  "Jack of all trades, Master of none" doesn't cut it for me.


"Jack of all trades, Master of one" would be nice.  I'd like to be able to do something, and for other people to look at it and say "Wow.  I wish I could do that"

Black and White

Outside, I am the picture of calm.
Inside I am screaming out.


I wish someone would hear me.


I know we haven't made recent developments public, but this last week has highlighted even more for me that I have so few friends.  No-one to hang out with, outside of band practice and gigs, except my brother.  Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I just want someone to ask "fancy hanging out tonight?"  Not necessarily to go to the pub.  Just to hang out.  Maybe get a couple of beers in and play computer games, or watch hilariously bad horror movies until the early hours.


Not one person springs to mind who would ask that.  Except for the owner of this house I am currently staying in, but when I was living in Wincheap, he rarely asked.  I know that's because he works so goddamn hard.  When he gets back, sure we'll probably go to the pub, but it's not the same anymore.  I'm his housemate now.

Blergh

I feel properly down today.


I feel entirely unloved, unnecessary and unattractive.










I don't think I'll see what you saw in me.








I think I'll grow my beard back.

Lazy Sunday

So far today, the only productive things I have done are hang out our laundry and buy some food.


The only two people I have had verbal contact with are are my soon-to-be ex housemate and the checkout lady at Morrisons. There was no real conversation.


I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant bit of carbon.
I have one life and it is short and unimportant.

It's 2:30 in the morning...

and I should probably get some sleep.




Hanging out with you earlier was fun, if brief. I know there is a lot on your mind, and I understand why you don't want to talk about it.  You definitely deserve a cuddle.  I genuinely hope you have a great time at Thorpe Park.

I long to feel your lips against mine once more.


You are worth waiting for.




My Princess.

Did you ever see a robin weep when leaves begin to die?

I wish I could sing.  I could keep myself company in a way that doesn't make me look crazy.  But as it is, all I hear when I sing is a mish-mash of uncertain wobbly notes.  It makes me feel sick.  So i'm trying to take my mind off of this empty house by listening to some of my favourite albums.

The first was a bad choice.  I imagine the second will be too.  And the third.  I almost can't listen to the majority of my iTunes at the moment.  Anything I'm in the mood for is so depressing, and the lyrics seem to be mocking me.  Mocking my thoughts.

It seems there is nothing I can do.  I'm being honest and open, but everything I say seems to come out wrong.  Other people are not helping the matter.  This is why I truly like so few people, which probably leads on to why I'm sitting here on my own.  There are now very, VERY few people I trust fully.  I can count them on one hand, with fingers to spare.

My mind is a tumultuous storm of thoughts.  I want this to work so much.

I now talk to you directly.

I love you for who you are.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You can be anyone you want to be.  I will never stop you from doing something you want to do.  You are incredibly intelligent, fantastically funny and terribly talented.  Props for the alliteration? No? Not here? Ok.

You are my rock.  My best and closest friend.  I know I can talk to you about anything, and you will listen.  Intently.  I know that you will give me the best advice you can.

If there is one wish I can make, it is that you will give us a second chance.

I don't want to lower myself to begging.  I want there to be something I can do, or say, to help you make your mind up.

To answer your earlier question, deep in my heart of hearts?  I think we would be foolish to walk away from this without having a decent crack at making it work.

Please, tell me if I'm wrong, but when I was telling you about how I felt Friday night, I can only assume your silence meant you felt the same.

If I can still give you butterflies, like you give me, then surely, that means something?

I'm so lonesome I may cry.

Some thoughts about the future

Tomorrow I begin house sitting.  No girlfriend, no best mate, no dog and no lodger.  Just me.  In a messy, two-up-two-down house.  I'll be getting my first ever taste of being a bachelor.


I'm not sure if I'm excited, but I know I'm nervous.


I think I'm excited, because when I was younger, all I wanted to do was be a bachelor.  


To come and go as I please, with no-one to blame but myself for not doing housework.  I get to stay up as late as I want.  In my pants if I want.  With (for the most part) only my thoughts to keep me company.


I'm nervous because that's exactly what I wanted.  Years ago.  I know that has changed now.


I like knowing that someone might be the vaguest bit interested in where I'm going or what I'm doing.  I like having housework to share with someone.  I like the thought of snuggling up with someone in bed, and having that pre-sleep conversation about nothing in particular.


I know that I am on the cusp of my life changing drastically.  This could well be my future.  The mess.  The late nights.  The pants.


The thoughts and the memories.


That's the part I dread.


The thoughts.

Yeppp

You and me, we used to be together
Everyday together always.
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend.


I cannot imagine not being with you.  It is a struggle not to text you.  So far, today at least, I've failed.  The lack of reply told me to stop.


I just want to drink in your beauty.  I want to spend as much time as possible with you.  I want to see you.  I want to call you.


Since I've been sleeping away from you, I have been so completely bored.  There is a void in me that only you can fill.


I feel like I'm drifting, and you are my anchor.


I wish you would let me come home, but I know I mustn't push this too hard.


I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here.


I so wish that we can be together again, but I'm worried that the longer I spend away from you, the chances of that happening are getting slimmer and slimmer.


I love you and I do not want to have to call you my ex.

Well, it has been a while.


I didn't think I would be back to talk about this kind of thing again.  Ever.


I'm spending tonight on my own in a sofa-bed in a conservatory.  It's Sunday night, and I haven't slept in my own double-mattress-double-bed for a week now.  The girl that means the world to me, the girl I spoke to, pretty much every day for 14 months and 20-something days, won't even reply when I ask "Are you feeling any better yet?"


I should probably back up a bit.


Last Sunday, I woke to find her already up.  I go downstairs, she's on the phone to her mum, so I head straight outside for a cigarette.  She joins me shortly, not in the best of moods.  I put my arm around her and ask what's wrong.  She doesn't say "nothing", she just says nothing.  I give her a squeeze and ask again.  She looks at me.  The look that sends fear directly into the heart of a man who is smitten with a girl.  It sent fear into my heart.


Apparently, we don't make each other happy anymore.  She loves me but isn't in love with me.  We've grown apart emotionally.


I don't know what to say.  Or do.  I can feel my world crumbling around me.


We sit and smoke the majority of my tobacco, while I try and get my head around what is happening and why.  She says she needs some space.  She says she is a different person to the one I fell in love with.  I know that, but I still love her.  Completely.  Unashamedly.


8 days ago, my future felt certain.  Or at least, one aspect of it.  I was going to one day, propose to miss Rosetta Anne Baker, and she would say yes, we would have the beautiful wedding we have been planning, and we would settle down, get a mortgage and have beautiful children.


Not any more.


I have officially been giving her space since Wednesday afternoon.  It took that long as I kept going home after work, and we would sit, we would get upset, and the same conversation would be had.  Sunday night I slept here, at Tom's.  Monday and Tuesday I slept in the basement.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I slept on the couch at Kenny's and last night I slept on Tom's sofa again.  He has sorted out his conservatory and put the sofa bed out for me.  Those two people mean a lot to me. I do not know where I would be right now without them.


I didn't get in touch with her from Wednesday afternoon, until this morning.  Those three and a half days were hell, I just wanted to say something, anything, but a) didn't know what to say and b) didn't want to encroach on her space.  This morning I finally gave in and text her, asking if she wanted to meet for coffee.  I was delighted when she agreed, and had a lovely afternoon hanging out with her.  I walked her to work, gave her a cuddle and we said our goodbyes.  I wanted to tell her I love her, but the words stuck in my throat.  I don't know why, they just did.


Now I am lying, as I said on a sofa bed in a conservatory, writing this, every now and then glancing at my Facebook tab to see if she has replied yet.  Nothing.


I want so much to be at home.  Knowing that in the early hours, she would arrive home from work and cuddle up to me, just like she did last week.


I will do anything for her.  I do not want to lose her.  She means the world to me.


My mind is a complete mess.  I am distraught, bored, depressed and tired.  My body, head and heart ache.


I just want to kiss her.  To hold her.  To fall asleep with her in my arms.




I just want a cuddle.