Work.

So it's been about a week since I last posted.  About time for a catch up.

I finally got a new job!  Apparently if you just take a punt in the dark, you'll hit sooner than you think!

I start in 31 hours from now.  I still can't quite believe it to be honest, and whilst I'm on the topic of being honest, I'm quite worried I'm going to be out of my depth with it.  We'll see, I mean, there was at least one other guy at the interview, I didn't see anyone else.  If it was me against one person, I must have done something right... Right?  It's a full-time-Monday-to-Friday-nine-to-five deal, which, when I was younger, I hated the idea of a job like that, but right now, it's the best I can ask for, short of getting paid to scratch my arse.

So I'm now on the road to sorting my life out.... financially anyway.

There is still this other issue I seem to have.  We shall see if there is any notable progress over the next couple of days.  I mean, she did say she wanted to see me after all.

Hunter.

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine.

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when.

Jumper.

It is so fucking cold.

Sunday.

Lounging around not doing much, wrapped up in a duvet, watching almost an entire series of TV shows, eating comfort food and reaching the farthest, deepest corners of YouTube.

As much as I love days like today, I can't help but think I could've been out doing something a lot more fun.  Driving out to somewhere new, wrapping up warm and going for an explore.  Taking photos and experimenting to see what quirky effects I can find for myself.  I could've even baked a fucking cake.  Or some biscuits.  I like biscuits.

Sure I could've done those things, but I don't have anyone to do them with.  So instead I did not a lot.  Fantastic.  In my eternal quest to find things to distract myself from the knowledge that I'm not doing much, I decided to try and clear some space on my laptop for some other.... stuff.  Here we get to the whole reason for this post.  I found this little beauty:

I found this picture buried not too far in the depths of my computer but buried all the same.  I look like a complete bell end.  I mean what the hell is going on with my hair?

Anyway, back to the crux of the matter.  This.  This right here is what I miss.  That day was fantastic.  It was only walking to the end of the pier and back with a quick nose round some shops, via the ice cream parlour, but it was fun.  I couldn't have been happier.

It was after seeing this photo again and thinking about how happy we look, that I realised, and scared myself, that I don't know how long it has been since I have seen you smile like this.  For that I am sorry.  You should have a smile on your face like this at least once every day.  I wish I could be the one to put it there, like I used to.

I remember that back when this was taken, I spent every single day on cloud nine.  Everything was perfect, as long as I was with you.  The world stopped when I was around you, I didn't want to miss a single moment, and everything else would have to wait.  You helped me through the end of university, which I couldn't have been more thankful for.  You taught me how to use your camera.  Most importantly, although you probably didn't realise, you showed me how to smile, and be confident in myself.

We could be in the car right now, either getting home from a day out, or just heading out to find a nice night time view somewhere, you wrapped up in a scarf, mittens, and one of your hats with the pom-poms, and if you got chilly, I'd offer you my jacket and give you a nice big cuddle.

I sometimes think that I don't know how to be a proper boyfriend.  I told myself that this time it would be different.  This time I'd make sure you felt every bit as loved as I could.  THIS time I wouldn't be scared about being soppy, and I'd go through with something that I'd thought up.  Not because I wanted to prove myself wrong.  

I wanted to make sure I did it right because you are worth it.

Torn.

I hate this.  Not talking to each other.  

I've wanted to text her, but whenever I've gone to write a new message, I just don't know what to say.  I wish there was something.

She's right there online, right now, and I just don't know what to say.

I feel guilty for what I did.  I feel stupid for what I said.  I feel shy just to start talking to her.

I miss her so much.  Just snuggling on the sofa watching a movie.  Wandering around the supermarket doing her food shopping.

Somehow I feel like I've come full circle after the last few months...