Yeppp

You and me, we used to be together
Everyday together always.
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend.


I cannot imagine not being with you.  It is a struggle not to text you.  So far, today at least, I've failed.  The lack of reply told me to stop.


I just want to drink in your beauty.  I want to spend as much time as possible with you.  I want to see you.  I want to call you.


Since I've been sleeping away from you, I have been so completely bored.  There is a void in me that only you can fill.


I feel like I'm drifting, and you are my anchor.


I wish you would let me come home, but I know I mustn't push this too hard.


I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here.


I so wish that we can be together again, but I'm worried that the longer I spend away from you, the chances of that happening are getting slimmer and slimmer.


I love you and I do not want to have to call you my ex.

Well, it has been a while.


I didn't think I would be back to talk about this kind of thing again.  Ever.


I'm spending tonight on my own in a sofa-bed in a conservatory.  It's Sunday night, and I haven't slept in my own double-mattress-double-bed for a week now.  The girl that means the world to me, the girl I spoke to, pretty much every day for 14 months and 20-something days, won't even reply when I ask "Are you feeling any better yet?"


I should probably back up a bit.


Last Sunday, I woke to find her already up.  I go downstairs, she's on the phone to her mum, so I head straight outside for a cigarette.  She joins me shortly, not in the best of moods.  I put my arm around her and ask what's wrong.  She doesn't say "nothing", she just says nothing.  I give her a squeeze and ask again.  She looks at me.  The look that sends fear directly into the heart of a man who is smitten with a girl.  It sent fear into my heart.


Apparently, we don't make each other happy anymore.  She loves me but isn't in love with me.  We've grown apart emotionally.


I don't know what to say.  Or do.  I can feel my world crumbling around me.


We sit and smoke the majority of my tobacco, while I try and get my head around what is happening and why.  She says she needs some space.  She says she is a different person to the one I fell in love with.  I know that, but I still love her.  Completely.  Unashamedly.


8 days ago, my future felt certain.  Or at least, one aspect of it.  I was going to one day, propose to miss Rosetta Anne Baker, and she would say yes, we would have the beautiful wedding we have been planning, and we would settle down, get a mortgage and have beautiful children.


Not any more.


I have officially been giving her space since Wednesday afternoon.  It took that long as I kept going home after work, and we would sit, we would get upset, and the same conversation would be had.  Sunday night I slept here, at Tom's.  Monday and Tuesday I slept in the basement.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I slept on the couch at Kenny's and last night I slept on Tom's sofa again.  He has sorted out his conservatory and put the sofa bed out for me.  Those two people mean a lot to me. I do not know where I would be right now without them.


I didn't get in touch with her from Wednesday afternoon, until this morning.  Those three and a half days were hell, I just wanted to say something, anything, but a) didn't know what to say and b) didn't want to encroach on her space.  This morning I finally gave in and text her, asking if she wanted to meet for coffee.  I was delighted when she agreed, and had a lovely afternoon hanging out with her.  I walked her to work, gave her a cuddle and we said our goodbyes.  I wanted to tell her I love her, but the words stuck in my throat.  I don't know why, they just did.


Now I am lying, as I said on a sofa bed in a conservatory, writing this, every now and then glancing at my Facebook tab to see if she has replied yet.  Nothing.


I want so much to be at home.  Knowing that in the early hours, she would arrive home from work and cuddle up to me, just like she did last week.


I will do anything for her.  I do not want to lose her.  She means the world to me.


My mind is a complete mess.  I am distraught, bored, depressed and tired.  My body, head and heart ache.


I just want to kiss her.  To hold her.  To fall asleep with her in my arms.




I just want a cuddle.