It's 2:30 in the morning...

and I should probably get some sleep.




Hanging out with you earlier was fun, if brief. I know there is a lot on your mind, and I understand why you don't want to talk about it.  You definitely deserve a cuddle.  I genuinely hope you have a great time at Thorpe Park.

I long to feel your lips against mine once more.


You are worth waiting for.




My Princess.

Did you ever see a robin weep when leaves begin to die?

I wish I could sing.  I could keep myself company in a way that doesn't make me look crazy.  But as it is, all I hear when I sing is a mish-mash of uncertain wobbly notes.  It makes me feel sick.  So i'm trying to take my mind off of this empty house by listening to some of my favourite albums.

The first was a bad choice.  I imagine the second will be too.  And the third.  I almost can't listen to the majority of my iTunes at the moment.  Anything I'm in the mood for is so depressing, and the lyrics seem to be mocking me.  Mocking my thoughts.

It seems there is nothing I can do.  I'm being honest and open, but everything I say seems to come out wrong.  Other people are not helping the matter.  This is why I truly like so few people, which probably leads on to why I'm sitting here on my own.  There are now very, VERY few people I trust fully.  I can count them on one hand, with fingers to spare.

My mind is a tumultuous storm of thoughts.  I want this to work so much.

I now talk to you directly.

I love you for who you are.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You can be anyone you want to be.  I will never stop you from doing something you want to do.  You are incredibly intelligent, fantastically funny and terribly talented.  Props for the alliteration? No? Not here? Ok.

You are my rock.  My best and closest friend.  I know I can talk to you about anything, and you will listen.  Intently.  I know that you will give me the best advice you can.

If there is one wish I can make, it is that you will give us a second chance.

I don't want to lower myself to begging.  I want there to be something I can do, or say, to help you make your mind up.

To answer your earlier question, deep in my heart of hearts?  I think we would be foolish to walk away from this without having a decent crack at making it work.

Please, tell me if I'm wrong, but when I was telling you about how I felt Friday night, I can only assume your silence meant you felt the same.

If I can still give you butterflies, like you give me, then surely, that means something?

I'm so lonesome I may cry.

Some thoughts about the future

Tomorrow I begin house sitting.  No girlfriend, no best mate, no dog and no lodger.  Just me.  In a messy, two-up-two-down house.  I'll be getting my first ever taste of being a bachelor.


I'm not sure if I'm excited, but I know I'm nervous.


I think I'm excited, because when I was younger, all I wanted to do was be a bachelor.  


To come and go as I please, with no-one to blame but myself for not doing housework.  I get to stay up as late as I want.  In my pants if I want.  With (for the most part) only my thoughts to keep me company.


I'm nervous because that's exactly what I wanted.  Years ago.  I know that has changed now.


I like knowing that someone might be the vaguest bit interested in where I'm going or what I'm doing.  I like having housework to share with someone.  I like the thought of snuggling up with someone in bed, and having that pre-sleep conversation about nothing in particular.


I know that I am on the cusp of my life changing drastically.  This could well be my future.  The mess.  The late nights.  The pants.


The thoughts and the memories.


That's the part I dread.


The thoughts.

Yeppp

You and me, we used to be together
Everyday together always.
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend.


I cannot imagine not being with you.  It is a struggle not to text you.  So far, today at least, I've failed.  The lack of reply told me to stop.


I just want to drink in your beauty.  I want to spend as much time as possible with you.  I want to see you.  I want to call you.


Since I've been sleeping away from you, I have been so completely bored.  There is a void in me that only you can fill.


I feel like I'm drifting, and you are my anchor.


I wish you would let me come home, but I know I mustn't push this too hard.


I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here.


I so wish that we can be together again, but I'm worried that the longer I spend away from you, the chances of that happening are getting slimmer and slimmer.


I love you and I do not want to have to call you my ex.

Well, it has been a while.


I didn't think I would be back to talk about this kind of thing again.  Ever.


I'm spending tonight on my own in a sofa-bed in a conservatory.  It's Sunday night, and I haven't slept in my own double-mattress-double-bed for a week now.  The girl that means the world to me, the girl I spoke to, pretty much every day for 14 months and 20-something days, won't even reply when I ask "Are you feeling any better yet?"


I should probably back up a bit.


Last Sunday, I woke to find her already up.  I go downstairs, she's on the phone to her mum, so I head straight outside for a cigarette.  She joins me shortly, not in the best of moods.  I put my arm around her and ask what's wrong.  She doesn't say "nothing", she just says nothing.  I give her a squeeze and ask again.  She looks at me.  The look that sends fear directly into the heart of a man who is smitten with a girl.  It sent fear into my heart.


Apparently, we don't make each other happy anymore.  She loves me but isn't in love with me.  We've grown apart emotionally.


I don't know what to say.  Or do.  I can feel my world crumbling around me.


We sit and smoke the majority of my tobacco, while I try and get my head around what is happening and why.  She says she needs some space.  She says she is a different person to the one I fell in love with.  I know that, but I still love her.  Completely.  Unashamedly.


8 days ago, my future felt certain.  Or at least, one aspect of it.  I was going to one day, propose to miss Rosetta Anne Baker, and she would say yes, we would have the beautiful wedding we have been planning, and we would settle down, get a mortgage and have beautiful children.


Not any more.


I have officially been giving her space since Wednesday afternoon.  It took that long as I kept going home after work, and we would sit, we would get upset, and the same conversation would be had.  Sunday night I slept here, at Tom's.  Monday and Tuesday I slept in the basement.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I slept on the couch at Kenny's and last night I slept on Tom's sofa again.  He has sorted out his conservatory and put the sofa bed out for me.  Those two people mean a lot to me. I do not know where I would be right now without them.


I didn't get in touch with her from Wednesday afternoon, until this morning.  Those three and a half days were hell, I just wanted to say something, anything, but a) didn't know what to say and b) didn't want to encroach on her space.  This morning I finally gave in and text her, asking if she wanted to meet for coffee.  I was delighted when she agreed, and had a lovely afternoon hanging out with her.  I walked her to work, gave her a cuddle and we said our goodbyes.  I wanted to tell her I love her, but the words stuck in my throat.  I don't know why, they just did.


Now I am lying, as I said on a sofa bed in a conservatory, writing this, every now and then glancing at my Facebook tab to see if she has replied yet.  Nothing.


I want so much to be at home.  Knowing that in the early hours, she would arrive home from work and cuddle up to me, just like she did last week.


I will do anything for her.  I do not want to lose her.  She means the world to me.


My mind is a complete mess.  I am distraught, bored, depressed and tired.  My body, head and heart ache.


I just want to kiss her.  To hold her.  To fall asleep with her in my arms.




I just want a cuddle.

Howdy

You can expect no more depressing posts from me anymore.

I'm the happiest I've been. Ever, from what I can remember.

I'm at the crossroads of becoming an adult. Scares the shit out of me to be honest, but I know I'm going to feel.... free? I don't know. The end of my education. I somehow feel my eyes are being opened to the rest of the world. The bigger picture.

Just need to get a fucking job now.

Right Then.

Over the past month or so I've been feeling a lot better about myself.

Not that I've been totally hung up on you for this long.

I just feel more.... open. Like I can let someone else into my life now.

Just know this. You were awesome. I did love you to bits, and you will always have a special place in my heart as my first love. Congratulations. No one can ever take that away from me. You are also the first person to break my heart. Well done there as well I guess.

Now, where does this leave you in my head? My first love, or my first proper break up? I guess the first. That way I can talk to you in a semi-friendly manner if the opportunity ever rises.

But know this.

I will never forget you.

Thank you for all the good memories.

I will treasure them forever.