Yeppp

You and me, we used to be together
Everyday together always.
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend.


I cannot imagine not being with you.  It is a struggle not to text you.  So far, today at least, I've failed.  The lack of reply told me to stop.


I just want to drink in your beauty.  I want to spend as much time as possible with you.  I want to see you.  I want to call you.


Since I've been sleeping away from you, I have been so completely bored.  There is a void in me that only you can fill.


I feel like I'm drifting, and you are my anchor.


I wish you would let me come home, but I know I mustn't push this too hard.


I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here.


I so wish that we can be together again, but I'm worried that the longer I spend away from you, the chances of that happening are getting slimmer and slimmer.


I love you and I do not want to have to call you my ex.

Well, it has been a while.


I didn't think I would be back to talk about this kind of thing again.  Ever.


I'm spending tonight on my own in a sofa-bed in a conservatory.  It's Sunday night, and I haven't slept in my own double-mattress-double-bed for a week now.  The girl that means the world to me, the girl I spoke to, pretty much every day for 14 months and 20-something days, won't even reply when I ask "Are you feeling any better yet?"


I should probably back up a bit.


Last Sunday, I woke to find her already up.  I go downstairs, she's on the phone to her mum, so I head straight outside for a cigarette.  She joins me shortly, not in the best of moods.  I put my arm around her and ask what's wrong.  She doesn't say "nothing", she just says nothing.  I give her a squeeze and ask again.  She looks at me.  The look that sends fear directly into the heart of a man who is smitten with a girl.  It sent fear into my heart.


Apparently, we don't make each other happy anymore.  She loves me but isn't in love with me.  We've grown apart emotionally.


I don't know what to say.  Or do.  I can feel my world crumbling around me.


We sit and smoke the majority of my tobacco, while I try and get my head around what is happening and why.  She says she needs some space.  She says she is a different person to the one I fell in love with.  I know that, but I still love her.  Completely.  Unashamedly.


8 days ago, my future felt certain.  Or at least, one aspect of it.  I was going to one day, propose to miss Rosetta Anne Baker, and she would say yes, we would have the beautiful wedding we have been planning, and we would settle down, get a mortgage and have beautiful children.


Not any more.


I have officially been giving her space since Wednesday afternoon.  It took that long as I kept going home after work, and we would sit, we would get upset, and the same conversation would be had.  Sunday night I slept here, at Tom's.  Monday and Tuesday I slept in the basement.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I slept on the couch at Kenny's and last night I slept on Tom's sofa again.  He has sorted out his conservatory and put the sofa bed out for me.  Those two people mean a lot to me. I do not know where I would be right now without them.


I didn't get in touch with her from Wednesday afternoon, until this morning.  Those three and a half days were hell, I just wanted to say something, anything, but a) didn't know what to say and b) didn't want to encroach on her space.  This morning I finally gave in and text her, asking if she wanted to meet for coffee.  I was delighted when she agreed, and had a lovely afternoon hanging out with her.  I walked her to work, gave her a cuddle and we said our goodbyes.  I wanted to tell her I love her, but the words stuck in my throat.  I don't know why, they just did.


Now I am lying, as I said on a sofa bed in a conservatory, writing this, every now and then glancing at my Facebook tab to see if she has replied yet.  Nothing.


I want so much to be at home.  Knowing that in the early hours, she would arrive home from work and cuddle up to me, just like she did last week.


I will do anything for her.  I do not want to lose her.  She means the world to me.


My mind is a complete mess.  I am distraught, bored, depressed and tired.  My body, head and heart ache.


I just want to kiss her.  To hold her.  To fall asleep with her in my arms.




I just want a cuddle.

Howdy

You can expect no more depressing posts from me anymore.

I'm the happiest I've been. Ever, from what I can remember.

I'm at the crossroads of becoming an adult. Scares the shit out of me to be honest, but I know I'm going to feel.... free? I don't know. The end of my education. I somehow feel my eyes are being opened to the rest of the world. The bigger picture.

Just need to get a fucking job now.

Right Then.

Over the past month or so I've been feeling a lot better about myself.

Not that I've been totally hung up on you for this long.

I just feel more.... open. Like I can let someone else into my life now.

Just know this. You were awesome. I did love you to bits, and you will always have a special place in my heart as my first love. Congratulations. No one can ever take that away from me. You are also the first person to break my heart. Well done there as well I guess.

Now, where does this leave you in my head? My first love, or my first proper break up? I guess the first. That way I can talk to you in a semi-friendly manner if the opportunity ever rises.

But know this.

I will never forget you.

Thank you for all the good memories.

I will treasure them forever.

What?

What did you ever see in me? I have tons of pictures of you, as well as you and me.

In every single one you are gorgeous.

In every single one I look like a spastic.

Thank you for putting up with my ugly self for two years.

Oh dear

Oh my friend loneliness, where have you been?
You left me to the lure of the lover who left me alone.
Now you come crawling back, and I'll let you in,
And we'll slip back into grooves that we cut in ourselves long ago

But there must be a better half, somewhere out there.
She lives a better life, a life that shares,
Shares with a better man.
A man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright".

Oh my dear distance, I've met you before.
Longing for a lover who's lost on a far distant shore
And all my imperfections, are all that remain.
And the days when I'd love you and I'd leave you, and you'd wish that I would stay

There must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
A man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright".

I know what she looks like, her face and skin, the smell and the rest
I know the feel of her soul, but God help me I just cannot find her address
Oh I've how I've tried but now all that is left
Is my old friend distance and sweet loneliness

There must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that she shares
Shares with a better man
A man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"
"Hey, it's alright"
"Hey, it's alright"

well then

I was going to quit smoking again in the new year, but 5 free 50g pouches of tobacco are telling me otherwise.

Also.

How often do you check your facebook? It'd be nice to know if you're just ignoring me.

So much for healing,
Eventually,
I'm just as damaged as I'll ever be.