#raceya

Six not-so-long years.
Not a word.
Three hundred and twelve(ish) weeks.
Barely a sideways glance.
Two thousand, one hundred and eighty four(or thereabouts) days.
Like I don't exist.

Two words.
Out of the blue.
Two syllables.
Like nothing happened.
Six letters.
No one saw it coming.



She's back in my dreams.

Lost.

This is (as far as I can tell) the first time I've ever felt like this.

I'm currently sitting at my desk, at work, earning a wage.  I have a nice, modern car.  I have a nice (if broken) classic car.  I have a lush custom electric guitar.  I've customised my own bass guitar.  I have a roof over my head.  I eat well.  I exercise three times a week.  I have the starting point for a deposit on a house.  I don't owe anyone any money.

Yet I still feel like this.  I feel like I have no purpose.  Like I have achieved nothing.

I cannot decide if I am enjoying being single or not.

I enjoy being able to come and go as I please, spend my money on whatever I want and spend my time doing whatever I want, yet I miss that companionship.  I miss going home to someone who is happy to see me.  I miss having someone to tell about my day, however slow, hectic or frustrating it might have been.

I feel like if I don't get up and do something, anything, to change the course of my life, I'm going to be one of those sad, strange little men, who go home to no one and talk to themselves because they have no other choice.

The thought of that terrifies me, yet it seems oddly appealing too.

Tidbits, ramblings and self loathing.

I know full well it's been over a year since I moved out and it was called a day.

I used to tell myself that a simple conversation would've fixed it.

Now I've realised it shouldn't have gotten to that point in the first place.

I'm left questioning if I'm actually worthy of a proper relationship.  With anyone, let alone her.

I've just turned 24, I've had two (what I would call "long-term") relationships, one of over 2 years, and one of about 18 months.  Not a long time, I know, but they were both people I treasured above all else.

The first I ruined on my own and the second, I simply didn't try hard enough and she got bored.

I've come to terms with that.

Which leaves me wondering if I'm even capable of making a woman happy.  In the short term, apparently so, but the evidence is piling up that I can't for any longer than 24 months.  That's my time-limit.  My barrier.

And when I reach that wall, the carpet gets pulled out from under my feet, and I'm left reeling.  For what can easily be labeled as far too long.  I can identify it now.  I can almost, ALMOST, put my finger on the feelings and describe them.

For the first week or so, it's shock.  Your whole world gets tipped upside down and shaken, like some sort of snow globe.  That then changes to the actual heartbreak.  When you've been set back down and watching all of the pieces swirl around you, trying to make sense of it all.  After a little while, when the dust has settled, and you've moved out, come to terms with the change and started to get yourself back on track, from the outside everything looks fine.  Back to normal.  Hunky Dorey.  Just waiting to get shaken up all over again.

On the inside though, you feel dizzy.  You miss that companionship, that normality before the storm.

I'd like to say that it's not being with her I miss anymore, it's having that trust in someone.  Someone to share a bed with.  Someone to go home to.

I definitely miss her.  Just as a person.  We just don't see/talk to each other anymore  With her new guy, I guess that's expected, but I still miss her all the same.
I wonder if I could be her back-up plan.
I think about her everyday.  More recently, I've been thinking about the first one too.  What she does now, how much she's changed.  I'm entirely over that one, I'm just intrigued.  I keep wondering how she would react if we passed in the street.

Thinking about both of them is what has led me back here.  Trying, ever so hard, to straighten my thoughts by getting them down for anyone to stumble across.

At the moment, I doubt I will ever reach my goal, of simply growing old with a woman who I can make as happy as she makes me.  I just don't think I'm wired the right way.  I'm going to grow old alone, and no matter what anyone says, I can't see any other way at the moment.

Move.

I wish I could run away with you. Start a new life else where.

Respect.

Earning some self-respect.

It seems like such a simple task.  Stand up for yourself.  Be honest with yourself.

Watch this space.

Hair.

I honestly think I'm coming to the end of my senses.

He is my best friend, so I'm going to hate writing this.

I cannot stand it here.  I feel like I should be bald, from the frustration and the number of times I tug at my hair trying to calm down.  It feels like ripping clumps of this untidy, unfashionable mop from my scalp might just, somehow, make things better.

Epiphany.

"Come forth bear witness, see the profit from your loss.  Beg for forgiveness, only after you tally the cost.  We arrive at this place of no return my sisters, only to discover that our values ran us aground on the shoal in the sea of what we could be."

The tight knot of fear in your stomach.  Or is it excitement?
The moment when you feel like your future hangs on one decision.
The adrenaline rush that comes from looking into the unknown.
The prospect of changing yourself for good.

Some may call it an epiphany.
Some may call it change.
Some may call it common sense.
Some may call it self help.

Work.

So it's been about a week since I last posted.  About time for a catch up.

I finally got a new job!  Apparently if you just take a punt in the dark, you'll hit sooner than you think!

I start in 31 hours from now.  I still can't quite believe it to be honest, and whilst I'm on the topic of being honest, I'm quite worried I'm going to be out of my depth with it.  We'll see, I mean, there was at least one other guy at the interview, I didn't see anyone else.  If it was me against one person, I must have done something right... Right?  It's a full-time-Monday-to-Friday-nine-to-five deal, which, when I was younger, I hated the idea of a job like that, but right now, it's the best I can ask for, short of getting paid to scratch my arse.

So I'm now on the road to sorting my life out.... financially anyway.

There is still this other issue I seem to have.  We shall see if there is any notable progress over the next couple of days.  I mean, she did say she wanted to see me after all.

Hunter.

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine.

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when.

Jumper.

It is so fucking cold.

Sunday.

Lounging around not doing much, wrapped up in a duvet, watching almost an entire series of TV shows, eating comfort food and reaching the farthest, deepest corners of YouTube.

As much as I love days like today, I can't help but think I could've been out doing something a lot more fun.  Driving out to somewhere new, wrapping up warm and going for an explore.  Taking photos and experimenting to see what quirky effects I can find for myself.  I could've even baked a fucking cake.  Or some biscuits.  I like biscuits.

Sure I could've done those things, but I don't have anyone to do them with.  So instead I did not a lot.  Fantastic.  In my eternal quest to find things to distract myself from the knowledge that I'm not doing much, I decided to try and clear some space on my laptop for some other.... stuff.  Here we get to the whole reason for this post.  I found this little beauty:

I found this picture buried not too far in the depths of my computer but buried all the same.  I look like a complete bell end.  I mean what the hell is going on with my hair?

Anyway, back to the crux of the matter.  This.  This right here is what I miss.  That day was fantastic.  It was only walking to the end of the pier and back with a quick nose round some shops, via the ice cream parlour, but it was fun.  I couldn't have been happier.

It was after seeing this photo again and thinking about how happy we look, that I realised, and scared myself, that I don't know how long it has been since I have seen you smile like this.  For that I am sorry.  You should have a smile on your face like this at least once every day.  I wish I could be the one to put it there, like I used to.

I remember that back when this was taken, I spent every single day on cloud nine.  Everything was perfect, as long as I was with you.  The world stopped when I was around you, I didn't want to miss a single moment, and everything else would have to wait.  You helped me through the end of university, which I couldn't have been more thankful for.  You taught me how to use your camera.  Most importantly, although you probably didn't realise, you showed me how to smile, and be confident in myself.

We could be in the car right now, either getting home from a day out, or just heading out to find a nice night time view somewhere, you wrapped up in a scarf, mittens, and one of your hats with the pom-poms, and if you got chilly, I'd offer you my jacket and give you a nice big cuddle.

I sometimes think that I don't know how to be a proper boyfriend.  I told myself that this time it would be different.  This time I'd make sure you felt every bit as loved as I could.  THIS time I wouldn't be scared about being soppy, and I'd go through with something that I'd thought up.  Not because I wanted to prove myself wrong.  

I wanted to make sure I did it right because you are worth it.

Torn.

I hate this.  Not talking to each other.  

I've wanted to text her, but whenever I've gone to write a new message, I just don't know what to say.  I wish there was something.

She's right there online, right now, and I just don't know what to say.

I feel guilty for what I did.  I feel stupid for what I said.  I feel shy just to start talking to her.

I miss her so much.  Just snuggling on the sofa watching a movie.  Wandering around the supermarket doing her food shopping.

Somehow I feel like I've come full circle after the last few months...

Blank.

I didn't mean it to sound so brutal.

That moment when you look up just as someone looks away.

At least we left tonight on a cuddle rather than shouting and a slammed door.

I wish I could think of more to write, or find some succinct way to describe what I'm feeling.

I said some things I regret.

I said some things I didn't want to say which needed to be said.

I said so little that may have been helpful.

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

Rut.

Is this what it feels like to be on the verge of giving up?

Not much really excites me any more.

Gigs, work, going to the shops.  It all feels like far too much effort to be worth it.

I should have been out to have a closer look at what is wrong with the car this week, but I haven't.  It just doesn't feel very urgent.

Applying for a new job has become more of a hobby than any real attempt at getting anywhere each time.  Every time I send off an application, it seems like a punt in the dark, which of course will nearly always miss, no matter what the target.

I should be ambitious, I know that, but that seems like so much exertion.  Let's face it, it'd probably be a waste of time as well.

I'm in a rut.  I have been for a few months now.  Every passing day has made the rut deeper and deeper, to the point where I feel I'm scrabbling at a sheer, insurmountable wall.

I am very scared.  Scared I won't be able to get out of this canyon.  Scared of what it may take to get out.


I want to go home.

Question.

Forever on my mind,
But rarely by my side.
My fire still burns.
My heart, it yearns.
Is it time I should bide,
Or confidence I must find?

Us.

Neither of us can bear the thought of the other being with someone else.

We are both incredibly lonely

We both love each other.

Yet we both sleep in separate houses.

I know how much it must've hurt to see it.  I wish I could prove to her that it wasn't intentional.  That she is still the one for me.

Progression.

Where does happiness and confidence get me?  Laying about on my bed, again, with no one talking to me. (again)

I feel sick to my stomach.

Why do I feel like an enemy?

Birthday.

"just leave me alone."

What a great way to finish my birthday weekend.

I don't see what I have done wrong.  That doesn't stop me feeling guilty, ashamed and like I've betrayed her.

Hank.

Really hits home.

Indeed it does.

There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it: I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another... Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there is this feeling in my gut; she might be the one. She is completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you, Karen... That's the good news. The bad is that I don't know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now, I have this feeling we will get lost out there. It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything... I don't know what's going on with us and I can't tell why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something, right? Call me.

Unfaithfully yours, 

Sleep.

I have a warm embrace to welcome into bed,
I have a loving kiss to wake from slumber,
I have a caring ear to listen,
I have a welcoming shoulder to cry on,
I have a soothing voice to comfort.

There is a space in my bed,
There is no one to kiss,
There is the wind to listen to,
There is a pillow to mop up tears,
There are only thoughts that console.

I have a void in my heart only one can fill.

There is only regret.